|
Page 1 of 2 Your Hair, His Problem
Recently I received a letter from a member about her choice to wear her hair naturally. She and her husband could not see eye to eye on her hair style. She had been wearing it naturally for a few months, but he still wasn't able to get used to it. She asked him what he didn't like, but he just said it was fine but would end up sulking. They were fighting about other things too, so she didn't really think her hair was the issue.
Be assured that none of you are not alone in this as we have received many letters from women going through these issues in their lives with their mate. Some men fear change because it undermines their ability to show a strong, competent side. Men are as much a victim of the "macho" myth as women. If you can remember that conflict can be your friend, it will make these hard times easier on you.
1. There are differences in every relationship - what makes or breaks a marriage is how partners choose to resolve those conflicts. Ignoring them is not the solution. That would be like ignoring cancer in the hope that it will go away by itself. Actually when conflicts are resolved successfully, the relationship can move to an even higher level of stability and intimacy. Use the following tips to resolve conflicts in your marriage.
2. Listen with empathy. Empathy is your ability to see things from your partner's perspective. Listen to your partner and tune in to his/her feelings. Whatever your partner is feeling "makes sense" from his or her perspective. When you start to "get it", you will know not only what your partner is feeling - you will also understand why. You are ready for the next step.
3. Respond with empathy. Tell your partner what you think he/she is feeling based on what you've heard. For example, your partner tells you about frustration at your lack of support. However you sense not just frustration, but anger as well. So you respond, "You're frustrated about my not being there for you, and this makes you really angry, too." If you didn't get it right, your partner will tell you and you can correct your response.
4. Make it sweet. Nobody likes to be scolded. So to avoid provoking a "fight or flight" reaction from your mate, always include the positive. Angry because your mate is not spending enough time with you? The reason you're so angry is because you care so much about your partner and your relationship. Express those feelings of love as strongly as you can! That sweetness will make what follows a lot easier to swallow.
5. Talk about your feelings - not your mate's failure. "When I came home from work yesterday I really wanted to talk to you about what happened. When I wasn't able to I felt totally alone." Stating it this way is much more likely to get a positive response from your mate than "You're never there when I need you."
|
